


Ass Effect - Jeff "Joker" Moreau

by MalikRuttingAssassinAss



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Kaidan's ass, M/M, Sexual Tension, Slash, awkward erections, blowjob, sexual identity issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 20:48:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/996531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalikRuttingAssassinAss/pseuds/MalikRuttingAssassinAss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone wants Kaidan Alenko.</p>
<p>Even Joker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ass Effect - Jeff "Joker" Moreau

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been humoring this idea for a while now. And today, I just though "fuck it" and started writing little ficlets of different characters crushing on Kaidan Alenko - (And usually getting into his pants - or indeed him getting into their pants). And I began with Joker! Most of this series will be PWP, so I apologize for that and also for the fact I don't really proof read, so if there are mistakes, my bad. There will be multiple couples in this series, from straight, to gay, to aliens. So, I hope you enjoy! :D

Joker hadn’t seen much of Alenko since he’d returned to the Normandy. He supposed that was a good thing considering he was still very much agitated over how the Citadel coup went down. With Alenko almost coming to blows with the Commander and the Commander almost forced to take Alenko down, everyone was on a knife’s edge with Alenko.  
   
Especially Joker. After Horizon, after hearing what Alenko had said on Mars and the standoff on the Citadel, Joker felt the man had no right to be on the ship, someone with that little trust in the Commander couldn’t be trusted themselves, right? Joker believed that, believed in Shepard, and that was why he was still here after all those years. Where was Alenko in the meantime? Sitting on the lap of Alliance brass, being a good little soldier and getting rewarded for his horrific fail on Horizon by being promoted to Major, _yeah, great job._  
   
Fucking _Major_ , Joker had laughed at the promotion mentioned in Alliance news.  
   
Of all people who needed a promotion, Joker didn’t consider Alenko being one. He seemed to fuck up more than accomplish anything. He almost escorted the entire Council, minus the Salarian Councillor, who had already been killed – well done Alenko – into certain death. And then had argued with Shepard whilst Udina had tried hacking the door open – Joker just couldn’t wrap his head around it.  
   
How the _fuck_ was he even on board?  
   
“Joker,”  
   
 _Speak of the devil._  
   
“Alenko.” Not Major, or Kaidan and never Sir, Joker regarded the voice behind him having been too deep in his irritated thoughts to hear the approaching footsteps.  
   
“Would you mind if I quickly checked something on your terminal? Samantha-”  
  
 _Samantha, huh? Already fraternising with the fresh meat, Alenko?_  
   
“-mentioned EDI had a black out when she uploaded a good chunk of her intelligence into the Cerberus droid. None of the public use terminals around the ship are connected to the extranet at the moment and some aren’t functioning at all.”  
   
Joker was a little surprised Alenko hadn’t brought up a pre-written lecture about EDI and her new body both being Cerberus built and nagged him into a puddle of boredom.  
   
Yet.  
   
“So you’ve come to use mine? Why not Liara’s?” Joker frowned, keeping his attention firmly fixed on the ship schematics and statistics.  
   
“Are you kidding?” Alenko chuckled. “She’s the Shadow Broker, no way she’d let anyone but Shepard look at the dirt she’s got on her hard drives.”  
   
Joker wasn’t sure if that was an innuendo or not, so just nodded. It was true, Liara wouldn’t even let _EDI_ look at all the secrets stored in thousands upon thousands of terabytes in her personal quarters, and EDI was persuasive.  
   
“I’m sure Cortez has a terminal.” He suggested instead. The mood shifted slightly, he could feel it in the air like the transferral of power from the power core, to the thrusters, to the guns and back again. Alenko cleared his throat and walked forward a few paces until he was within eye-shot. Joker glanced at Alenko, eyeing him up and down before concentrating back on his controls.  
   
The guy looked about as tired as his voice sounded. He’d also forgotten to shave, probably couldn’t as the Citadel had been under attack since early that morning-cycle. It was pretty obvious he hadn’t been sleeping that well either, or not at all.  
   
Not at all was most likely, by the looks of it.  
   
“Steve is…”  
   
“What, what’s wrong with Cortez?” Joker snapped. “Go on, spill.”  
   
“He’s uh… I’m not- I don’t,”  
   
“God damnit, Alenko, I never put you down as a _fucking_ homophobe! You’re not going to catch _the gay_ by using his terminal, Jesus!” He shot a glare at the man beside him, wishing Shepard would stroll through and tell him to stop distracting the pilot. Or maybe EDI coming back from wherever she was would chase the annoying bastard away-  
   
“Steve’s currently using his terminal to listen to the last recording of his late husband. I am _not_ going to interrupt a soldier remembering their dearest. And for your information, _Flight Lieutenant,_ your accusations of homophobia are completely unfounded.”  
   
 _Never had Alenko snap at me like that before._  
  
“Shit,” Joker sighed, rubbing a hand over his beard. “Is he alright?”  
   
“I assume not. I… overheard the recording, realised what it was and left him in peace. I passed Shepard coming out of the elevator, I only hope he knew what to do better than I.”  
   
 _He always does._ Joker glanced at Kaidan again. Why did he have to use his terminal? Why not anyone else’s? He didn’t want the man around him anymore than he had been already, and further arguing with him would only prolong the man in his presence.  
   
Joker shrugged and gestured to the terminal in front of the co-pilot’s seat.  
   
“Fine. Go for it.”  
   
“Thanks, Joker. I shouldn’t take too long.”  
   
He watched as Kaidan disappeared back around his chair and reappeared over at the second pilot’s station. He didn’t sit, Joker prayed that was a sign he wouldn’t be staying any longer than a few minutes, preferring to bend over, leaning his weight on one hand to use the other to…  
   
Joker blinked.  
   
His attention shifted from being curios of Kaidan’s use of the terminal to Kaidan himself. He hadn’t seen him for years – sure, he saw pictures on the Alliance news network and Battle-Space and extranet articles for his Staff-Commander and then Major promotions – not to mention the huge explosion of news related to Alenko’s Spectre position – but not in the flesh.  
   
It was a hit of nostalgia seeing Alenko there, in front of the co-pilot terminal, just like the first Normandy before it all went to hell.  
   
The only new thing Joker had to consider was the fact Alenko had put on weight – not fat – but muscle. Either it was for show, or Alenko really _had_ been working his ass off since the first Normandy went down in an ocean of stars.  
   
He cut a more intimidating figure nowadays, probably scared the shit out of his biotic students, probably even scared the shit out of Vega – though not nearly as large, his face said something about how if you fucked with him, you’d die surrounded by the warmth of your own asshole. He wasn’t the same blundering Staff-Lieutenant from the SSV Normandy SR1 with a stick so far up his ass he coughed wood-chips.  
   
If anything, he seemed more relaxed, calm and collected, possibly just as stubborn, but definitely not as reluctant to push boundaries to get his own way. That was who they needed on the Normandy, someone else in the Alliance who knew how to get things done without caring who bitched and whined on the way.  
   
 _Well, shit, looks like I have a man-crush on Alenko_.  
   
Joker blinked slowly, raised his hand and brushed his cap off his head to rub along his forehead.  
   
Shepard had more weight on his shoulders than any human should, he had the entire Galaxy relying on him at the front of the forces against the Reapers. Alenko had Spectre status and even ranked _higher_ than Shepard himself, if Shepard wanted something done, Joker was glad that Alenko would be there to get it done.  
   
 _And it better be without question._  
   
Alenko shifted and bent further, resting his weight against his forearm instead, which pushed his back down into a curve and… _fuck_ , Joker bit his lip, _why am I even looking?_  
   
But now that he’d started, he couldn’t stop. His gaze slipped to the man’s rear. The rumours were true, the guy really _did_ have a fine ass for a dude, it was round and plump without being fat – bubble butt came to mind, but Joker soon pushed the thought away.  
   
Kaidan was an asshole he’d just have to learn to live with, deconstructing him into a fine ass wouldn’t help matters because that was _complimenting_ the man, he didn’t _want_ to compliment him.  
   
He was an _asshole,_ not a _fine ass_.  
   
But he was still there, still basically sticking his ass in his face and Joker was only making things worse by staring. He only hoped Kaidan thought he was trying to peep at his screen rather than the round curves of his ass which led to the firm muscle of his thighs straining at the awkward position. The small bump between his thighs, below his ass, hinted at a large-  
   
Joker shoved his hands over his eyes and breathed in hard through his nose. He needed to watch porn – lesbian porn and plenty of it – if he was suddenly finding Alenko, of all people, sexually alluring. He rubbed at his face for a second and slouched further into his chair and once he let go of his face, he realised the Major was looking at him.  
   
“What?” He frowned.  
   
“Nothing,” Alenko shrugged, looking back at his screen. “You look tired.”  
   
“Aw, well, A+ Alenko, everyone’s tired.” Joker rolled his eyes and brought up the diffusion levels of the drive core to distract himself with.  
   
“A tired Pilot is a downed-ship.” Kaidan wasn’t rising to Joker’s bait, he remained passive and calm compared to Jeff’s sharpish responses.  
   
“You think that’s funny?”  
   
“You think a downed ship’s funny?” Alenko shot him a look, before returning to his terminal, shifting his weight foot-to-foot. Joker swallowed at the ass basically _waving_ at him.  
   
“No, of course I don’t.” Neither of them mentioned what they were both thinking. The SSV Normandy SR1 going down in flames, taking Shepard with her because Joker had been too stubborn to leave her in her final moments. “Just do what you came to do and go. I don’t want you here.”  
   
“Aye-aye,” Kaidan whispered, only half concentrating on the Pilot’s words.  
   
He tried to get on with his work, but there wasn’t much to do when navigating the Normandy through empty space, no debris or planets to avoid and Reapers hadn’t invaded Citadel space yet. So, eventually, his attention slipped back to the Major, the curve of his spine, the plump curve of his buttocks, that teasing bulge-  
   
Joker knew he should’ve looked away, but his cock was telling him otherwise. It twitched in interest beneath his fatigues proving whatever faith he had in his one-way sexuality dead wrong. Kaidan, fuck, he could bet even Shepard drooled over him sometimes, and Shepard was some kind of nun these days.  
   
The fatigues were maybe a tad snug around his ass even whilst upright, but with him bent over, the material pulled and folded in all the correct places, accentuating his narrow waist and curvaceous ass and dragging his attention back every time.  
   
Distracting the Helmsman of a ship was against 23 written regulations, but if he told Kaidan he was distracting him, he’d have to explain _how_ and that was something he just couldn’t do. He swallowed hard instead, his fingers biting into the fabric of his pants and doing everything in his power to keep them there.  
   
But then Kaidan made this little noise, something like a grunt and a caught breath and _stretched_ his back until it clicked, a yawn following suit and- and _holy fuck_ , how in the hell does someone making _yawning_ sexy? It must’ve been the goofy way his lips resettled after, pursed together, pouty, the perfect set of lips to wrap around his-  
   
“Instruction manuals.”  
   
“Huh?” Joker hummed.  
   
“Instruction manuals for the Crew terminals around the ship, I’m trying to fix them, but I’m lacking the schematics of a healthy terminal system and the components they’re using to project their displays. The old terminals ran on a different system, so I have to do some research before I can-”  
   
Joker didn’t care about the terminals and whatever else the Major had said after he’d simply concentrated on the voice and not so much the words. His voice had always struck him when he spoke. It was unexpectedly calm, quiet and whiskey matured, but he hadn’t considered it sexy until that precise moment.  
   
“That’s what I need the terminal for, so you can stop giving me the stink-eye now.”  
   
“I wasn’t…”  
   
“So you were just staring, is that it?” Kaidan smirked over his shoulder. “Waiting for me to use the Terminal for personal use and report my ass straight to Shepard, right?”  
   
 _Report my ass straight to Shepard._ _Oh yeah, I’d do something to that ass, but I wouldn’t be handing it over to Shepard, that’s for sure._  
  
“No. I… was just looking out the window over your shoulder.”  
   
“I’m sure.” Alenko sounded amused. Maybe he’d caught on he was secretly – or not so secretly considering he was doing nothing to hide it – staring at Kaidan’s ass.  
   
And who the fuck could blame him?! Woman or man, that was an ass in need of some serious spanking. You could bounce a coin off it and watch that coin disappear to dark space – Joker couldn’t deny he wanted to sink his fingers into it and maybe bite at the supple flesh.  
   
He wanted to get up, stalk up behind the Major, kick his legs open wider and rip off his pants to fuck him senseless against that precious terminal. Maybe he’d make him read those manuals out loud, and if he stopped he’d get spanked, or he’d have to let Jeff come inside him-  
   
Joker hissed in a tight breath once he realised just how damn uncomfortable his dick was trapped inside his fatigues. He cursed himself when Kaidan turned again towards him, eyes travelling over his face, concerned, before dropping down to his lap and…  
   
“Oh.” He breathed.  
   
“Don’t talk to me.” Joker hissed, his face burning bright red beneath his cap. “Seriously, just fuck off right now.”  
   
There was silence over the distant hum of the Normandy’s drive core besides the blood rushing in his ears. He forced himself to relax his grip, his bones creaked under the pressure and he knew he’d have to explain the whole situation to Chakwas, or Shepard or, hell, both, if he broke something. And he knew Kaidan wouldn’t lie. He’d probably get some sick satisfaction from writing up a report about how Joker couldn’t quell a boner at the sight of another crew member simply _bending over._  
   
“It’s okay, I… I didn’t know you were looking at… I mean, it’s late in the night cycle and I must’ve come at a bad time.” Alenko cleared his throat, straightening from the co-pilot terminal. “I…”  
   
Joker dared to look up. Was Alenko…?  
   
The man swallowed and turned his attention back on Joker’s face, but it didn’t last long and dropped back to his lap. To Joker’s surprise it wasn’t out of shock or horror, but more curiosity and… something a little more.  
   
He _was_. He was staring right at his dick. And- _God, that’s so fucking hot, Alenko._  
  
Joker decided to go with it, his fingers sliding up his thigh to his bulge to give himself a soft squeeze. He sighed softly, licked his dry, chapped lips and flicked the brim of his cap up with his free hand to see Kaidan’s reaction.  
   
Kaidan’s reaction was more mutual than anything. Joker revelled in the fact he’d been able to give the Major a corresponding semi, pitching the front of his fatigues slightly and… _yeah, that’s pretty big actually_.  
   
But when Alenko suddenly walked away, Joker blinked and stared at the area Alenko had been. That wasn’t something he’d been hoping for, expecting maybe, but not what he wanted at all. He was about to push his fists into his eyes and let out a few choice curses when he felt a solid weight land on his trapped erection. He moaned first, bucked his hips and _then_ looked to who was touching him.  
   
“I… found something more interesting to do than fix Terminals, for the time being.” Alenko was kneeling at the end of his chair, down by his boots, his arm out-stretched to reach the strained fabric between his thighs.  
   
Joker brought up the small control panel to his Pilot’s chair and ordered the foot-rest to slide back into the main body of the chair, just below the seat. Alenko flashed a grin and chuckled, coming closer to Joker, to his crotch and out from under the flight dash.  
   
When Kaidan leant forward, Joker held his breath. He released it as a warm pair of lips mouthed him through his fatigues, moistening the fabric. He didn’t lean his weight on him, didn’t hold down Joker’s hips or clutch his wrists to keep Joker from pushing his head down, he was gentle, not wanting to hurt him by testing his fragile bones, and Joker was grateful for that.  
   
No pain to remove the pleasure, in fact, Alenko kept his hands on the chair and ducked his head down to lap against the hard flesh beneath the fabric. Joker knocked his head back, thankful for the seats padding to cushion the impact as he rolled his hips up and moaned into the recycled air.  
   
He felt the solid edges of teeth apply pressure around his cock, a gentle nibble leaving him panting something explicit as his hands found Alenko’s hair. The biotic moved and zipped open the front of Joker’s trousers with his teeth, keeping his hands on the chair at all times until hot flesh hit the cool air of the Normandy, his hand reaching up to wrap around the base of his shaft.  
   
“ _Fuck_ ,” Jeff whispered and wrapped his hands around the base of Kaidan’s skull, pulling him further into his lap. Alenko went willingly, curling his wicked-tongue around the bulbous head and lowering with the pressure applied to the back of his head.  
   
Joker felt himself boil at the sensation, a fever running rampant through his body and burning through his cock until he was moaning with each movement of Kaidan’s tongue. The moist roughness of his tongue, the hand dug down between his thighs rubbing the back of his balls and fingering his perineum, he rolled his hips up and pushed Kaidan down at once.  
   
Alenko’s brow furrowed as he smothered a cough, opened his throat wider and Joker almost lost it when his cock hit the back of the higher-ranking officer’s throat. He curled his fingers into the Major’s hair and whimpered – actually _whimpered_ – when then man began to bob his head, up and down, his tongue laving every inch of him.  
   
“I- I’m,” Joker shuddered, the muscles in his backside clenching, his thighs locking up, his breath rushing down his throat choppier than his aborted thrusts-  
   
He had been watching the Major the whole time, and he’d been doing the same, breath heavy through his nose, mouth occupied with cock whilst Joker covered his mouth with his hand. So he noticed when Kaidan stole a hand down between his spread thighs and began to massage himself through his fatigues.  
   
The look of bliss that crossed his face ended him. He bit down on his hand and tugged Kaidan deeper into his lap by the strands of his hair as he shot come down his throat, every muscle tensing in utter delight as his orgasm slammed through him to the base of his spine.  
   
“ _Fuck_ , Alenko, _fuck_.”  
   
Kaidan chuckled around his cock and pulled back, sliding his hand up the shaft and licking the remnants of come from the tip. He cleaned Joker with his fingers and tongue before tucking him back into his pants and standing from the hard floor. Joker winced at the sound of the Major’s knees and back clicking.  
   
“You ok?”  
   
“You just…” Joker panted. “You haven’t…” He nodded vaguely at the straining material at the man’s crotch.  
   
Kaidan shrugged and adjusted his pants.  
   
“I assume you don’t mind me remaining on the Normandy now, do you?” The wicked smirk that crossed his lips was quickly moistened with the tip of his tongue.  
   
He knew what he was doing from the start, Joker realised with a huff of shock.  
   
“I…I don’t.”  
   
“Good.” Kaidan cocked a hip and ran his thumb over the corner of his mouth to wipe away saliva and come. “I’m glad we had time to _chat_.” He stepped around Joker’s chair and began to head for the sealed cockpit doors.  
   
“… H-hey, what about those terminal schematics?”  
   
“Joker,” Alenko huffed, spinning back on his heel as Jeff spun in his chair. “There was never anything wrong with those terminals.”  
   
The Pilot opened his mouth to say something, but his brain fled and left him sitting there like a broken fish, his mouth hanging open instead of gulping.  
   
Nothing had been circumstantial that night. It was planned just as much as anything Major Alenko did. Joker decided in that moment Kaidan was the type of man they _really_ needed on the Normandy, wanting to get his hands dirty just as much as keeping them clean.  
   
He knew Alenko would do what he had to, he knew, now the man was a Spectre as well as a Major in the Alliance, there would be no limit to what he would do to get what he wanted.  
   
And as Kaidan wandered off down the bridge towards the CIC, Joker realised he really didn’t want to stop Kaidan getting what he wanted either. Whatever it was.  
   
Himself included.


End file.
